'Uh oh' 10th March 2020

So let's go back in time a bit to 2020 before lockdown 1.0. This was also the time I had found out I was pregnant with baby number 2. I wanted to talk very honestly about my pregnancy to myself, so sent myself emails. I have really liked looking back on these and sharing them with friends I have mentioned them too when they're interested to hear all my crazy feeling and how I coped, so I thought ya know what? I'll put them out in a blog and share them so anyone and everyone can read them if they want to. Here is my first account of life as a pregnant person during what has been the crazy year of Covid. I warn you, it's long and moany, they all will be.....enjoy!


10/03/2020 16:57

So I thought I would write myself some emails about pregnancy this time. Should have done it last time, would soooo have liked to remember all parts of my last pregnancy and compare! You do forget. It's good that you forget, it just means any tips I could have given myself I can't really, as I don't remember. And anyway, just as I worked out how to get through something (like my all day feeling sick-ness) then I would be on to a new stage of pregnancy issues!

So this time, we started 'trying' in November, but not really. Came off the pill and didn't really have any sex and then my period finally returned maybe twice? Then, we found out we were pregnant. It was a weird finding out as I spontaneously decided to do it one morning when Jonny was off ill from work and came down to him and showed him the test and was like, I had wanted to do a test on the weekend before I did some drinking but Jonny thought I was being silly, so I thought so too, it's not like I had any symptoms apart from my period being 2 weeks late. We'd only had sex twice in Feb (7th and 23rd to be precise!) so it's crazy that it happened one of those times. We hadn't even gotten into the 'having sex lots to make a baby phase' which was a shame, thought we might have a good few months of trying, but never mind!

Think we're happy about it. Feeling weird really. I likely felt this way before, but even more so this time, I just want the pregnancy to whizz by and if I could, skip time right til the end (if I still have to do the birth, cause I would skip to after that please / the moment they come out part) I guess last time we had all the excitement. I don't really have that. And also things to look up that we might buy. I loved making my lists of what we needed and starting to buy second hand clothes, gosh that was fun. This time, we don't need stuff and I'm just dreading the horrible stages of pregnancy and the weight gain. I like losing weight. I like pushing myself to get back to how I was. But I spent so long hating myself, I just don't want that again. I'm just looking forward to them being out and starting to exercise again. I want to keep exercising now but I just feel like what is the point. I know there's a point, but I don't want to hurt myself and make PGP happen again so feel like this time I should do it differently and give up completely, but that's not good either and won't help my mental health!

I also don't want to skip time cause I love watching Ophelia develop. Could you imagine completely skipping time to just after giving birth and then looking over at your daughter who you haven't seen in 8 months and them looking and acting nothing like what you'd remembered? That would be horrible and so sad. So really, I need to forget I'm pregnant, plough on as usual and enjoy Ophelia and enjoy me and Jonny's relationship and having good food and making better friends with those I want to. The issue is, I can't seem to forget about it for one second. My tummy feels uncomfortable and big even though it's just bloating from all the chocolate and cake I keep eating. It's not loads, it's more that I wasn't having it at all and now I'm having some every day and it makes me feel gross but I can't find a way to make myself not as I want it and it's not as if my size / figure is going to be all lovely and slim if I don't. I also can't just be me and not think about it. I love exercising but I now have to restrict what I'm doing, so I've constantly got to not do what I want. I love planning my schedule of what to do but then actually feel saddened by it and like it's pointless as my figure is going to be ruined anyway.

I hope I'll mentally be ok for all of this. Also hoping I'll get so busy I won't think about it all anymore. Going out more in evenings may help.... Hopefully I'll feel inclined to start swimming again for cardio once it gets a bit nicer. I would like to swim on an evening with some friends maybe.... trying to think of things to distract me from feeling flabby and reaching for bad food.

Until next time I have time to write / have something to say,

Around 5 weeks pregnant Sarah xxxxxxxxxxxxx

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